I stick like resin to specific core values. Such as respect. An overall respect for one’s self and those we must live with. It’s the axis upon everything revolves.For myself, I hold it as the highest regarded attribute in all of humanity.
But it does not have to be. What if it were something else? It is the epicenter of who I know that I am. It is as much of my identity as the calloused soles of my feet. If I changed this piece of me, who would I be? Would I even recognize the man in the mirror?
On the other hand, I’ve spent the majority of my young life searching for identity, and only recently have I become even remotely sure of myself. However, if I were to alter this one, pivotal aspect of my value system, it would not be the worst thing that ever happened to me–it would not be the death of me. Perhaps I could even improve myself. Besides, who am I even displaying this for? Do I put on the show for myself? To sleep better at night? Do I play the part for the audience? Those around me. Both the strangers and the friends. All for the image.
If I simply do it for the roar of the crowd, then why not change the part at will? Ah, but there’s the catch: who would trust such a man? Would you want to depend on a person that takes their identity so lightly? If he cares not for his own life, why should he care for yours? A valid question. But just in having this dialogue, I have given away the secret that I hide as well as possible: that I do, in fact, care.
Honestly, it’s not that I want to change or even that I will change. But I recognize that I cannot continue on my current path unless I either adjust my actions to fit my values, or my values to fit my actions. It does not help that I am inexplicably drawn towards this doorway. It seems to be my best option for the long run, out of all present possibilities. I will undoubtedly remain on this course. But there will always be that doubt. The ‘however’ of my mind. I fear that it may break me down the road. This is why I must change my heart. For the greater good.