There is something I have noticed lately, a pattern that occurs in and around my life. It is a process involving change. It should be noted that I have understood the beginning of this process for some time, but just recently did I become in tune with the complexities. I should be honest with myself, and admit that I have understood these subtleties for some time. But in coming to terms with this behavior, it means I could no longer hide behind it. You can see the conundrum.
It begins with an awakening. My eyes slowly open, and I am aware of some aspect of my life that is causing harm or has the potential to. Many people experience this, and it is certainly nothing new to me. Next, I prepare myself for the change. This can take months or years. Where things become interesting is when the behavior is modified, but not completely changed. It is a place in which I have convinced myself I have the behavior managed. That I can make the complete, full transformation at a moment’s notice. It is a disgusting lie.
I know now: the moment I think I’m in control, I need to take careful stock of my life. I am never in control, and I am beginning to understand the wisdom in accepting that. Even in the events I am able to manipulate, there is always an independent variable, the unaccounted factor, the wildcard. What I’ve found to be most terrifying, is that when the behavior has become caged, when it is under the false illusion of my control–it begins to speak to me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
There was a time when I thought this was my voice. After all, I had initially created it: I gave it a platform, I built it a cage, I allotted a time for when I would be finished with it, while I made my final preparations. Oh, the intentions were pure, they always are. But in letting it live for any length of time beyond what was absolutely essential, it took on a life of its own, and took the voice I had created for itself. It did this quietly, without preamble or fuss. There was not even sign of a struggle. And now, it exists and thrives, as real as this room.